


Far But Never Gone

by thinkoutsidethebex



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, I'm sorry but I'm also not, So much angst, much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29906634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinkoutsidethebex/pseuds/thinkoutsidethebex
Summary: After Steve goes on the run following the battle at the Berlin airport, all you have with him is stolen time.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	Far But Never Gone

**Author's Note:**

> This is nothing but pain. I played myself on this one.
> 
> Inspired by the song "Never Be Alone" by Shawn Mendes.

“I wish you didn’t have to go.”

Steve sighed softly and stopped packing. You watched his shoulders drop at your words and instantly wished you could take them back. He always felt guilty about leaving you, even though both of you knew he had to. Slowly, he turned to face you, leaning over to kiss your forehead. 

“I know, sweetheart,” he whispered against your skin. “I wish I didn’t have to either.” You closed your eyes and leaned into him, relishing his touch for the few remaining moments you’d have it.

Things hadn’t started out like this with Steve. In fact, when you first met your relationship had been relatively normal. Or, as normal as dating an Avenger could be. He held doors for you and paid for dinner and, on occasion, jetted off to some foreign country to stop a madman from committing a heinous war crime. Typical boyfriend things.

And then Vienna happened. You watched it all unfold on the news in real-time, shocked to your very core. You remembered feeling guilty when you breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of Steve, unharmed and helping survivors on your screen. So much death and destruction and you could only cry tears of joy that Steve looked mostly unharmed. When the footage came in claiming Bucky was the one behind the bombing, you cried for different reasons. The minute his name flashed across your screen you assumed you’d never see Steve again. In the short time you’d been together it had become all too clear to you how much Bucky meant to him. Steve would go to the ends of the earth for Bucky, so after a few weeks of silence from him and allowing yourself to mourn, you decided to let Steve go. 

Imagine your surprise when he showed up at your door a few days later. That was the first night he told you he loved you. You both said it to each other over and over that night, until Steve fled with the dawn. 

Ever since then, you had only moments. Steve stole every moment he could to hear your voice in between whatever safehouses the team was hidden away in. Sometimes you wouldn’t hear from him for a few days. Sometimes it was a week. They had to find safe places to stay before they could send word out. When he could, he would get away to be with you. Sometimes it would only be for a few hours. Sometimes you’d be lucky enough to get a whole day. You never knew when he’d call or show up, but you were always ready for him.

This time had been different. You hadn’t heard from Steve for sixteen days, the longest you’d gone without so much as a word. You jumped out of your skin with every slammed door or creaking floorboard in the building, and whenever the phone rang you nearly screamed. Fear and doubt clouded your mind with each passing day, and just about the time you started thinking this was it, Steve knocked on your door. He was dirty and bloody, with bruises still painted on his face and his full tac suit still on, but he was there. Your hands shook as you reached out for him, pulling him across the threshold and refusing to let go. Time slowed down while the two of you were together and by the time you looked at the clock you were surprised to see that nearly two days had passed. You should have been elated. This much time together was something you hadn’t had in years, and you wanted to treasure it. You really did. But as you watched him pack his bags to leave again you couldn’t fight the pit that was forming in your stomach. Something was coming. You weren’t sure what it was, but you could feel it in the shadows just beyond where you could see, and you were terrified of what would happen once it came into the light. 

Steve’s lips lingered on your forehead for another moment before he went back to packing his things. You watched him carefully and chewed on your lip, fighting against the rising anxiety in your chest. 

“One more day?” you asked softly, knowing the answer before you even finished your question. Steve sighed again and put his hands on his hips.

“I would if I could, baby,” he said gently. “But Wanda’s missed her last two check-ins with Nat. She could be in danger. We have to find her and make sure she’s ok.” You nodded gently and looked down to where your hands were wringing in your lap. It had been a long shot, and you knew that from the start. Wanda had sacrificed so much for Steve and you knew he’d do just about anything to help her, but that looming fear you couldn’t quite shake kept telling you not to let him go. Steve must have been able to sense the tension in you because he stopped packing again and crouched in front of you, resting his hands on your knees. 

“Doll, you know how much I hate leaving you, right?” he asked, his voice low. “I would give anything to just crawl back into bed with you and never let go. But I can’t. Even if Wanda hadn’t missed check-in, we both know the longer I stay here the more danger you’re in. If something happened to you because of me…I don’t know what I’d do.” You sniffled softly and wiped your eyes, nodding as you reached up to cup his face. You both knew he was right, but righteousness did little to ease the pain.

“I have a really bad feeling this time,” you admitted with a whisper. “Like something bad is coming. And as much as you don’t want something to happen to me, I don’t want anything to happen to you. I don’t want to lose you, Steve.” The composure you’d struggled to maintain broke, and tears started rolling down your cheeks. They burned under your tears as you fought to ebb the flow and slow your breathing. You hated crying in general, but you especially hated crying in front of Steve. That man, bless his soul, didn’t miss a beat. He wrapped you tight in his arms and held you close, kissing your hairline and whispering soothing words in your ear.

“Everything is going to be ok, my love,” he murmured against your hair. “I promise. I’ll come back as soon as we’re done.” You nodded at his reassurance and struggled to quiet your tears. Try as you might they kept coming, staining Steve’s white shirt as your head lay against it.

“I love you so much,” you whispered, squeezing him tight.

“I love you too, doll,” he replied, kissing your forehead. “Wait here. I have something for you.” He kissed your head again and stood, walking to his bag and rummaging through it. You dabbed at your eyes and watched him as he pulled a necklace from the front pocket of his backpack. He came back and sat beside you, holding it up before you. A set of rings hung from the chain and glinted in the fading sunlight that peeked through your blinds. 

“There were my parent’s wedding rings,” he explained, offering the necklace to you. “Whoever went through my place after I went in the ice found them and donated them to the museum. Had to fight like hell to get them back but in the end, Fury pulled some strings for me.” Your fingers brushed gently against the jewelry as he held them up for you. The gold bands jingled lightly and the small diamond on his mother’s ring sent rainbows dancing around your bedroom.

“They’re beautiful,” you said softly, smiling up at him.

“I want you to have them,” he said, matching your smile. Your eyes grew wide as he slid the necklace over your head. 

“Oh, no, Steve,” you protested. “I couldn’t. You worked so hard to get them back.”

“My ma always told me one day she’d give me that ring,” Steve said, pressing another soft kiss to your forehead. “She said one day I’d meet someone and I’d just know they were meant to have it. Didn’t think she knew it’d take damn near a hundred years but…well.” His cheeks flushed as he trailed off and you looked down at the delicate rings against your chest. Once again, you knew you should be happy. Steve was all but proposing to you and you could barely crack a smile because something felt so ominous. Even though you’d never say it, this felt like a goodbye. This felt like the time Steve would finally walk out the door and never come back. Rather than voice it and hurt him more than he already was, you looked up at him and smiled, allowing him to assume the tear that slipped from the corner of your eye was simply one of joy.

“I’ll never take them off,” you promised, your voice thick. Steve kissed you softly and wrapped his arms around you, holding you tight to his chest. 

“I know this is hard,” he said quietly. “I know things are pretty crazy, but I promise one day they won’t be. One day there won’t be running and hiding anymore. There will be just us and the life we make together. But until then you keep these rings. When you miss me just hold onto them and know you’re holding me. When you can’t sleep just put them on and close your eyes and know that I may be far, but I’m never gone. I’m yours, just like you’re mine.” Both of you were crying by now as you nodded and kissed him again. You kissed him until you were breathless, trying to pour every ounce of love you had into it. Steve held you as close as he could until you eventually fell asleep, tucking you into bed and kissing you softly before he grabbed his bag and slipped out the door.

“Steve?”

Bucky’s voice came from behind him, and Steve spun to face him. The captain watched, horror-struck as his best friend dropped his gun and faded into dust before his eyes. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. Everything had gone wrong so fast. When Thor had arrived in Wakanda Steve thought maybe, just maybe, they had a chance. But now Thanos was gone, and everything was falling apart. He dropped to one knee and gingerly brushed his fingers over the spot Bucky had vanished from. Somewhere in the distance, he could hear Rhodey calling for Sam and Okoye screaming for her king, but he knew they wouldn’t be found. Steve stayed where he was, frozen in place by grief. His head tilted just enough to catch a glimpse of Wanda, her face almost filled with relief as she too faded away. A small cry left his lips as he stumbled over to the place she had been beside Vision’s body. On the battlefield beyond the trees, Steve could hear the Wakandans screaming in confusion as more and more people vanished before their eyes. He heard Natasha run up behind him as he rolled Vision onto his back, his eyes stinging with tears at the sight of his ruined frame.

“What is this?” Rhodey asked breathlessly as Steve collapsed onto the ground. “What the hell is happening?” Steve looked around in disbelief as he struggled to understand.

It was quiet, almost eerily so compared to the sounds of the battle that raged only moments ago. A soft rumble of thunder echoed in the distance, mingling with the sorrow of people realizing what had been lost. Steve could feel his heart plummeting and his stomach tying in knots as he remembered Thanos’ threat. 

Half.

“Oh, god.”

The mad titan’s words weren’t the only ones that rang in Steve’s head as another horrific realization washed over him. He remembered holding you tight to him as you begged him to stay one more day. You’d told him you had a bad feeling and he’d promised you everything would be ok. He lied. Suddenly, and without a word to anyone around him, Steve jumped up and sprinted toward the palace. He ignored the shouts of his friends behind him as he ran, harder than he’d ever ran before. He leapt over weapons scattered over the battlefield and dodged mourners as he forced his legs to go faster. You had to be ok. You had to be. Bucky and Sam were gone. Wanda was gone. You couldn’t be gone too.

Steve practically dove into the Quinjet and slammed his hand on the console, instructing the computer to call you.

“I’m sorry, Captain Rogers. All cell service seems to be down at the moment.”

“God dammit!” Steve yelled, hitting the switches to start the ignition sequence. Some of the Dora Milaje were shouting at him from the flight deck, but he was too worked up to hear any of them. He hit the final button and took off, making for the access point in the city’s barrier. 

The entire fourteen-hour flight from Wakanda to New York, Steve tried to call you. For the first ten hours, cell service remained down. That didn’t really surprise him, given what had just happened, but that didn’t make it any less frustrating. When he was finally able to get through he was a mess, his nerves fried beyond what he thought was possible. With every ring that went unanswered, his heart dropped lower and lower in his chest. 

“No, no, no, no,” he muttered under his breath. You had to be ok. He wasn’t sure he’d survive if you weren’t. Steve pushed the Quinjet as fast as it could go as his heart thundered against his ribcage. By the time he landed in New York he was an anxious mess, and you still hadn’t answered. 

The city was in chaos. People were screaming and running through the streets. Steve clocked at least half a dozen fires on his descent alone and sirens screamed through the night air, their fervor matching the terror in his heart. The second the Quinjet was powered down he took off again, racing straight for your apartment. He didn’t even bother changing out of his tac gear. Any cop that managed to see him would surely have bigger problems to deal with than a fugitive Avenger. 

Steve ran as hard and as fast as he could, dodging strangers and looters that had taken to the streets. His muscles burned and exhaustion beat at his brain, but he didn’t let up. He couldn’t. Not until he knew. Your building came into view and Steve pulled the door clean off the hinges before bounding up the stairs two at a time. He raced down the hall and started banging on your door, calling out your name.

“Baby, please! Answer the door!” He started crying as he knocked, fear and sleep deprivation threatening to overtake him. He was just about to knock down your door too when he remembered the spare key you kept in the light fixture beside it. His ears picked up the sounds of your wailing neighbors as he pulled out the key and unlocked your door, tumbling inside. 

“Baby?” he called again. It was dark inside. Not a single light was on and once Steve closed the door, silence pressed in on him. Maybe you just weren’t home. It wouldn’t surprise him if you’d thought to go out and help during the panic. Still, he looked around the living room and kitchen, turning on the lights as he went. 

“Doll?” he tried again. “If you’re here please answer me.” More silence. Steve flicked on the light in your bedroom and stopped dead in his tracks. There, at the foot of your bed, was the very thing he feared, come to life. A small pile of dust greeted him as he fell to his knees and a fresh wave of grief overwhelmed him. His eyes blurred and stung with tears as his hand outstretched slowly. 

“N-no,” he whimpered. “Baby…” Steve could feel his heart breaking inside him. Part of him had known since the second you didn’t answer his calls, that this would be what he found. But there was another, smaller part of him, that had hope. Hope had kept him alive every time he was sure he’d die, and kept him fighting when there was no chance of winning. Hope had driven him to send Tony a phone with only his number in it and it had kept his legs pounding against the concrete until he’d gotten to your door. But now, seeing the pile of ashes that was formerly the woman he loved, the last flicker of hope he’d clung to was doused by the ice that surrounded his heart. 

As the tears fell anew Steve noticed something he hadn’t when he first entered your room. There was something among the ashes. He wiped his face with one hand as his other reached out and pulled out a chain. A set of wedding rings hung at the bottom as fresh sobs ripped through his chest. His parent’s rings. 

He couldn’t breathe. The room spun around him as he struggled to force air into his lungs. Steve managed to pull himself to his feet long enough to stumble into your bed. He collapsed onto the mattress and pulled your pillow to his chest, his lungs burning and tears pouring down his face. Everyone was gone. Bucky, Sam, Wanda, you. You were gone, and Steve was alone. As the sounds of chaos picked up outside the building he held your pillow tight to him, breathing deep to savor what was left of your scent, and wept.


End file.
